I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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