I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
