Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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