hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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