Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
