I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
