I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
