my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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