when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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