I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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