yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
wanna go halves on a baby?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
