I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
