Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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