so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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