Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
