a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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