Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
