did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
