Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
