After last night, I could never be a politician.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
