I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
