Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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