My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
