come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
FUCK WHALES
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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