so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
