that's an acceptable place to lick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
