Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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