we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
