It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
