you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
