I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
