Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
