Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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