The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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