Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
