Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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