If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
