you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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