u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
