i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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