if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
