Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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