is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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