made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
