Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
