she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
