My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
