Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
