Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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