If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
