he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
