Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
