Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
