he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
