I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
