i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
